Enjoying camping, as a man – Part 2

Continuing from Part 1, camping is an exercise in survival.  You must find ways to survive with limited materials that you bring with you, and supplementing your supplies with other items you can find in the camp area.

You will want to bring essential items with you, such as a sleeping bag, a tent, shoes, warm clothes (even though I enjoy being naked most of the time, you may need some warmer articles for cold nights), beer, and mosquito repellent.  Don’t worry about bringing a woman, as there will be a few around your campsite who you can pick-up to satisfy your needs.  Cooking mainly, but also occasional oral sex.

Due to the limited supplies that you brought in the first place, you will need to be creative in finding items to help you find a lady to bang.  You will need to put some clothes on, so wear the warm ones you brought for cold nights.  These will make you sweat in the daytime heat, but don’t worry, as the smell of your sweat will make you more attractive to the ladies.  They are camping as well, so they will be looking for a rugged, sweaty, preferably drunk man who they can blow.  You are the perfect catch!

Also be sure to grab your frisbee, and four or five beers before you begin your woman scouting trek.  You will need to drink a few beers while you are walking, as you will be sweating excessive amounts due to your multiple layers of clothing.  Save at least one beer as a peace-offering to your lady friend when you find her.  She will be sweating as well, and having a cold beverage given to her will increase her likelihood of putting your balls in her mouth later.  The purpose of the frisbee you are holding is to make it look as though you are “just going to play frisbee with a couple of beers” rather than “just drunkenly sweating while on a clam hunt.”  You can also use the frisbee to attract a woman’s attention if she is too far away from you; throw it in her direction (don’t hit her in the head), and get her to throw it back to you.  Perfect icebreaker.

Now that you have met your woman, say a greeting of some kind, such as “Hello”, “What’s up?”, or “Wanna beer?”.  Then shove one of your beers into her hand, whether she wanted one or not.  You must cup her hands while doing this, forming a sort of beer-can handshake.  This initial physical contact is key, without it, she would never know that you are interested in physicality, AKA naked sex later on.  Crack the beer open for her, and begin to lift the can towards her lips.  Now it is time to take a step back, and allow her a minute to enjoy the drink, as well as smell your sweat mixed with the refreshing outdoor air.  This should make her realize that you are a man, and that she would like to sleep with you.  Look into her eyes, and pay attention for that slight unfocused look, followed by a quick turn away when she notices that you are staring a little too intently into her eyes.  Time to make your move!

Take a large, swift step towards her side.  Lean down to her ear, and whisper, no wait, don’t whisper, forcefully state “I have something to show you.”  She will assume you mean your penis (which you subconsciously do, but that will come later) and will be somewhat afraid, and shyly take a step backwards.  Continue to hold your “leaning down to ear level” position as she does this, but sharply turn your head in the direction she stepped.  Have that look in your eyes that says “I’m not a rapist, but I would love if you raped me later on, after we get to know each other a little bit.”  You may have to practice that look before hand.  It comes naturally to me.

Slowly, but consistently begin standing upright again.  She will begin to crack a smile in the corner of her mouth, and take a sip of beer trying to hide it.  You’ve got her.  Move towards her again, making sure you are close enough for her to smell you.  You won’t need to be all that close, as you have been sweating buckets this whole time, and your scent will be near unstoppable.  Take a deep, passionate breath, and state, with authority, “I want to show you my fire, at my campsite.”

Now she should know that you mean business, as women have a survival instinct that tells them “go to fire, men will be there, you can make babies with them.”  Which is generally true, men do love fire, and making babies.  However, they don’t generally like caring for babies, just the act of making them.  So she will follow you, and you can ask her to share what she has left of her beer, since you drank your other 5 on the 10 minute walk to her campsite.  Sharing this beer is another great icebreaker, as if she is willing to put her lips on the same can as yours, she is probably willing to put her tongue in your butt later.

We will have to continue this tutorial on another day, Part 3 will answer the questions you have all been waiting for, such as;

  • Is it possible to burn off your ass hairs?
  • Can women collect firewood?
  • What does true love feel like?

Check back within the next two days for the thrilling conclusion!

This entry was posted in Being a Man, Finding Women and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Enjoying camping, as a man – Part 2

  1. RetardBoy says:

    Great stuff. Finally, I’ve found a funny blogger!

  2. Pingback: Enjoying camping, as a man – Part 3 | dongtacular: adj; sexually inappropriate language

  3. this is fucking hilarious… laugh out loud stuff. don’t ever change.

  4. Pingback: Sweaty, orgasmic, magical Ping-Pong | dongtacular: adj; sexually inappropriate language

  5. Pingback: Naomi Campbell Does Not Wear Panties During the Summertime | dongtacular: adj; sexually inappropriate language

  6. Pingback: Sharing a Poncho | dongtacular: adj; sexually inappropriate language

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