When You Are Forced to Suck Someone’s Face

She looks distracted, is someone watching?

It's bad, and only gets worse.

Kissing someone is usually a magical moment; your heart beats madly within your chest with anticipation, you near the recipient and can feel their warm breath on your chin, your lips quiver as you begin to mash your face into the other person.  But what about when you are not interested in this person, at least in a loving, possibly sexual way?

I had an experience recently where I had to kiss someone.  There was no way around it.  A young girl, in fact (I generally don’t like referring to broads as girls, but this one was young).  You could describe it as sucking face, although that would be harsh on her young ears.

Please click!  It's a really funny clip from Hot Shots - Part Deux!

Not sucking nose! But click this picture for a really funny video.

On a whim, I auditioned for the local community theatre‘s upcoming musical.  Also on a whim, they gave me a part.  I mean, I like music, and I like singing along to music (especially when I’m drunk), but I didn’t think I would ever land a part in a stage musical, where I would have to sing, dance, and act on a stage in front of hundreds of people.  Plus I had to kiss a girl.

At first, I didn’t know who would get the part of the woman who would soon know what my tongue tasted like, and I imagined she would be straight out of one of my numerous fantasies, and that she and I would kiss on stage, then fall madly in love with one another and get married and live happily ever after.  My dreams were about to be squandered.

Her name was Hanna.  She was a pencil-thin, delicate blonde (like a combination of Mia Wasikowska and Amanda Seyfried, if I have to be specific), 18-years-old, fresh out of High School.  Now, I know, you’re saying “That’s not young!  She’s legal in nearly every country in the world!”  But I don’t roll like that.  If I wanted to seduce 18-year-old girls, I would hang out by the High School like my Dad does.  Plus, Hanna had a boyfriend, who used to be a linebacker on the High School football team (Frightening!).

This is the definition of an awkward kiss.

I'm not interested in kissing athletes either.

At first, I was broken.  Destroyed, even.  I thought this would balloon into a “Kiss-gate” and it would ruin the entire musical experience for me.  I imagined that through all the rehearsals, everyone would be looking at me, judging me based on the fact that I was soon to be kissing this innocent, church-going nubile, and assuming that I would be corrupting her with my perverted ways, leading her astray into the depths of sin, forever tainting her with my evil mind, and permanently scarring her and her boyfriend with unforgettable images of the horrendous sex-acts I would be performing on her with my mouth.

But it was nothing like that.  Everyone was extremely supportive, as they understood how awkward it was to kiss someone on stage for the first time.  Hanna and I had a private conversation with the director, and she told us to take our time with the kiss, get to know each other, as it is only when you are comfortable with a person that you can kiss them naturally.

Nick Cannon is an expert in awkward kissing.

Could you ever be comfortable kissing Mariah Carey?

It turns out that Hanna took a number of drama classes in school, and was applying to theatre programs at universities.  She had never done a stage-kiss before either, but she was very mature (since I was entirely immature) about the whole process.

Over the next month we talked on a regular basis, went for coffee, discussed our characters, and their relationship.  I was getting to know Hanna for who she really was, a truly honest, caring, sweetheart (Sappy, I know, but she is!).  Then we had to talk about our kiss.  The play was due to go on stage in 2 weeks, and we needed to actually lock lips, to practice before the actual performance.  I had to tell her about the weird, non-sexual reflex that my body has from time to time.

Yes, the Fear-Boner.  You are so scared, your body reacts by inflaming certain organs, like how a cat’s hair sticks up when it feels threatened.  And I can’t control it!  Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn’t, no matter the perceived level of threat.  This was the absolute last thing I wanted to happen when I was kissing an 18-year-old on stage in front of 400 people.


Unfortunately, this technique does not prevent the Fear-Boner.

Hanna was surprisingly accepting of my confession.  At first she denied that it could happen, but after I described several incidents, she simply stated “Why would you be afraid of me in the first place?”

I realized that I wasn’t afraid of a 98-pound blonde, so I smacked a kiss directly on her lips, right then and there, while waiting in line at Starbucks.  She was a little shocked, but she didn’t slap me.  Success!

After that, I was so confident, nothing could phase me.  The production went off perfectly, I sang, danced, acted, and kissed like you wouldn’t believe (As it turns out, when performing a stage-kiss, you don’t use tongue. So get your mind out of the gutter!).  I couldn’t have done it without the support and assurance I received from Hanna.

Overall, it was a fantastic experience.  Hanna and I have kept in touch, and I wish her nothing but the best in finding a University.  I couldn’t have picked a better person to lock-lips with; and her boyfriend has yet to kill me!

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11 Responses to When You Are Forced to Suck Someone’s Face

  1. Haha I know exactly what you mean. I had an acting class where we were performing a scene from The Glass Menagerie. I was Jim and the lovely (or rather not so lovely) lady was playing Laura. Now the kiss gets much more awkward when it’s done infront of a class of 20 kids. Plus this girl was a smoker, annnd the teacher asked us to do the scene about three times from just before the kiss because it wasn’t looking right. Thankfully I don’t suffer from fear boner, or awkward boner syndrome in this case? It would have been bad.

  2. dongtacular says:

    A smoker? Nasty. It could only be worse if she had a cold-sore.

    Thanks for commenting and sharing your story!

  3. Cayman Thorn says:

    Kissing is the most important part of the relationship for me. If the girl can’t kiss, nothing is going to come of the relationship. Outside of some meaningless sex, perhaps.

    • dongtacular says:

      Kissing is a great way to break-the-ice. No better way to get to know someone than massaging their tongue with yours.

      It also paves the way for other oral pleasures later on.

  4. Cayman Thorn says:

    And not for nothing? But hockey would probably get better ratings if they settled overtime sessions with a snog. Not that there’s anything wrong with that….

  5. John says:

    Why is there a cowboy lurking in the background, observing the boner punch in the Fear Boner photo?

  6. YawningDog says:

    “Fear boner!” Haaa! I’d never heard of that either, will have to ask the spouse about it.

    In my college stage-kiss experience, during practice, the guy and I were talking about our age difference. I said, “Oh, no — I’m kissing someone younger than my youngest brother!” and he said, “I’m kissing someone older than my oldest sister!” and we both make gagging noises. We got over it, though, and on opening night got great applause (and a good grade!). 😀

  7. Jenna says:

    you are so freakin’ funny! i don’t know how i missed this blog entry. i found it in my inbox. must’ve overlooked it but i love your silly personality! i wish i could’ve been there to see you kiss Hanna at Starbucks! lol

    and get get it! kuddos to you for being so brave to act, dance, and sing (and suck someone’s face) in a stage production!! woot woot!


  8. Pingback: The Derty Thirty » Blog Archive » When You Are Forced to Suck Someone’s Face (Recommended Blog Read by dongtacular)

  9. Pingback: Incredible Celebrity Encounter – Part 1 | dongtacular: adj; sexually inappropriate language

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