The Man Who Did Not Eat Sandwiches

I met an interesting man over the holidays.  This man had an aversion to sandwiches.  He would not consume any edibles inserted between bread products.  This meant no conventional sandwiches (using sliced bread), no submarine sandwiches, no deli-style sandwiches, no burgers, and no wraps.  How could he survive in the modern world without the sustenance provided by these foods?

Charlie loves his sandwiches.

Is he a mad man? (Image via GifSoup.com)

This man, Wendell, was not a rude or bizarre person.  If presented with a sandwich, or if sandwiches were the only food available, he would eat.  But he would pull the sandwich apart, disassembling it entirely, before he would consume the ingredients separately, one at a time.  He just had something against eating a sandwich in its entirety, the way most of us enjoy a sandwich.

But it was put together perfectly!

The whole is less edible than the sum of the parts? (Image via Getty Images)

Is it the layering of the sandwiches?  Could he not stand for things that were stacked, even if done neatly?   Would he eat lasagna?  Is it the combination of the flavours?  Did he eat all foods completely separate, as to not mix their tastes?  Could he eat pizza?  Was it the bread products that made the sandwich unpalatable to him?  Could he eat a KFC Double-Down, as it was a sandwich that replaced bread with chicken breasts?  Does the bread hide the ingredients from view, and he is afraid of eating something he cannot see, as if an enemy of his would have sabotaged the sandwich with an undesirable ingredient?

I can't eat adorable animals.

I wouldn't eat that sandwich. (Image via thechive.com)

I do not have the answers to these questions, I would have to contact Wendell directly.  I just found it odd that a person could not enjoy one of the most versatile foods in existence.  There are essentially endless combinations of sandwiches!  As a reasonably average man, I eat sandwiches (or common variations of sandwiches, as listed in the first paragraph) several times a week.  Sandwiches are my basic lunch food, and have been since I was in elementary school.  I still brown-bag most of my lunches when I go to work at the dog food factory.  I am a sandwich lover, and always will be.

I like to sit in the dark when I'm eating.

Image via fuckyeahlizlemon.tumblr.com

 

I must reiterate myself in regards to Wendell.  I have said he was not rude or bizarre, that he was odd, but mainly, I find him interesting.  He is going to University to become a High School physics teacher, drives a mustard-yellow Volvo sedan that was built before Disco music existed (and has the confidence to do so!), created Facebook pages for his cats, went to Argentina to appear as a contestant on the television series Wipeout, and he is dating my cousin (the sister of the guy I wrote about previously).

I guess all I’m trying to say is that I like Wendell, I like sandwiches, and I don’t really understand how you could not enjoy sandwiches.  Do you know anyone who doesn’t like sandwiches?

Sammich Shoppe!

I'm also saying that I can't make a post without a sexual joke. (Image via explosm.net)

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7 Responses to The Man Who Did Not Eat Sandwiches

  1. John says:

    I can’t imagine a sandwich-free existence. I’d feel like I was just biding my time until the icy fingers of death to drag me off this mortal coil.

  2. Gracie L says:

    I have to admit, I have done the sandwich deconstruction on several occasions…. Though most people I know would go beyond calling me interesting and just go straight to saying I’m strange.

    • dongtacular says:

      Were you deconstructing it to remove a particular ingredient, or just because you couldn’t stand eating it assembled?

      You’re not strange, the people who judge you are the strange ones. What’s the matter with those weird people who think they need to judge everyone?

  3. Cayman Thorn says:

    I haven’t felt this naive about the world since Duvall went all napalm on me way back when. This Wendell is a most complicated man. Thanks for my latest sleepless night!

  4. Pingback: Incredible Celebrity Encounter – Part 1 | dongtacular: adj; sexually inappropriate language

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