Picking up where part 2 left off, acquiring a woman while camping is an essential need. It is unlikely that you will be able to bring a woman when you go camping, as they are not something that you can easily fit into a duffel bag. Women also have very little interest in camping, as it is generally unsanitary, and involves a fair amount of nudity. They will go camping if their friends are going, or if they are genuinely interested in seeing naked men.
Now that you have found a female (please read Part 2, before reading this post, as it is very informative) and are escorting her back to your campsite, you must prepare some witty statements regarding your fire and the eventual sex you will be having. Some of my favourites are:
- That fire sure is hot, isn’t it?
- Look at the way those flames lick the sky!
- Your tits are as round as the full moon!
The last one is funniest, as it has two jokes in it. One refers to tits, and the other, to an ass. Well, maybe the tits part isn’t really a joke, as it is usually fact, because I always find women to bang that have fantastic racks. Either way, she will love to hear that.
It’s crucial to plan these statements before you reach the fire, or else your lady will think you are simply inspired by the fire, and weren’t thinking beforehand. She already knows that you are a hulking, sweaty, hairy beast of a man, but you also want to show your clever and sensitive side. These statements are like poetry; no, they are poetry! There is nothing more beautiful than a man describing his feelings for a woman by making analogies about her anatomy. You can also try to make a comment about her vagina, but I’ve never found any nice words to describe that part of a woman. Some refer to it as a “lotus flower”, but I don’t think it looks like a flower at all. Most of my poems compare it to foodstuffs you would receive at the school cafeteria, but these poems wouldn’t be described as beautiful.
After you have impressed your woman with your intellect, it’s time to move in. Finish your beer, grab another one, offer it to the lady, and when she refuses, gulp it down. Then grab her beer and gulp it down for her. She will be impressed with your forcefulness and give you a sultry look. What is sultry? If you don’t know, look it up in the dictionary. But this look is definitely sultry. You’ll know it when you see it.
This sultryness allows you to again swoop in beside the woman, with your face next to her ear. But this time, wrap your arm around the small of her back, so she cannot easily step back (don’t worry, she’s just shocked by your incredibly swift swoop). Turn her slightly, so you can put your other arm around her (if you can’t reach your arms around her, don’t worry, you just must be pretty drunk and scored a fatty) and then turn your bodies so the fire lights the profile of your faces. Rub your nose into hers, and wheeze “let me show you my tent.”
Before she has a chance to reply, whisk her away to your magnificent tent (or your pile of poles and canvas, if you followed the instructions in part 1) and prepare for love. Or lust. Or banging, or just oral if you’re too drunk to get it up. It’s important to ask her if she’s interested in having some hot sex, as you are not a rapist, or is this blog about rape. Hopefully she will say yes, and you can begin the night of passion.
Start by removing your clothes. This should be easy, as you were only wearing the heavy jacket you brought for cold nights, and you are absolutely coated head-to-toe in sweat, so that jacket will slide right off. As soon as you are naked, lie down on your sleeping bag (if you brought one, if not, that heavy, sweat soaked coat will have to do) and look up to your woman, returning that sultry look she gave you before. If all has gone right, she will pull a condom out of her pocket, do a quick strip tease, put it on your dangger, and give you a ride for 1 minute and 45 seconds, as that is how long it takes to blow your load.
She will then stand up (or roll over to the side of your canvas pile), say “Thanks for the beer” and leave. That heaving lump you feel in your chest is true love. You have found finally found it! Now you can prepare for your next true love to come along when you repeat the entire process tomorrow night. Be sure to find a stray dog that will eat the that jizz filled condom she left on your jacket.