Consoling a Friend After a Break-Up, As A Man

I've never been

Your college sweetheart left you for a predentistry major, but that doesn’t mean we all have to suffer.  Everyone goes through bad break-ups, and everyone recovers.  The trick to a speedy turn around is having friends who will support you, or at least degrade you to the point that you become mad instead of being sad.

Generally, the first step you should take when a friend informs you that they got dumped is alcohol.  Does that make sense?  I’m not sure, because I’m half drunk right now.  It may be hard for him to accept it, as there is a social stigma against alcoholics, as well as against drowning your sorrows.  But it will definitely help.  Intoxication lowers inhibition, so it will make it easier for your friend to truly open up.

The first drink is the hardest, especially when it's Irish whiskey.

It’s important for him to get everything out, so it’s best if you choose a drinking establishment that he is comfortable with.  A place where everybody knows his name, or at least he is familiar with the staff, and there is a chance that some other bar patrons will talk to him.  This gives him a sense of community, and hopefully gets him a few free drinks.  That’s another important note; don’t let your friend spend too much on drinks.  If he is a heavy drinker, he may be compelled to run up a huge credit card bill buying drinks for everyone that will talk to him.  You (or your other friends, I’ll get to that) need to buy at least half of his drinks, so that he doesn’t end up putting himself in a pickle when he needs to pay off his credit card (not to mention all the cash he’ll have to spend getting his life back in order after that woman destroyed it).

As soon as you have your buddy comfortable enough (for me it’s usually 7 beers), call up some of your other friends.  Explain that this guy got dumped, and he’s getting loaded so they should come out to support him.  If they are truly good friends, they will be there in a snap, because they know that this friend would do the same for them, and probably have in the past.  If your recently dumped friend tries to protest, saying that he’s gonna be fine, and they don’t need to come, explain to him that he is drunk, and he is also extremely emotional (you can add that he’s acting like a woman, if you really need to drive the point home) so his judgment is impaired, and he should just drink some more while you make his decisions for him.

Glum, but not hopeless.

In theory, at around the 10 beer mark, your friend should be feeling OK.  If he is a crier, there may still be a little sniffling, but once his other friends show up, he will want to be manly, so he’ll try to stop it.  If he doesn’t (and he’s kind of being a pussy), you will need to use reassuring statements.  Try:

These suggestions should give him a sense of self-confidence, and the other friends around him encouraging him to feel better will only help his emotional state.  If he’s still being mopey, he must have an extremely high liquor tolerance, so it’s time to bust out the hard liquor.  A couple of Jagermeister shots will do it.

It's cool to drink, but smoking is kinda gross.

Soon enough, he’ll be feeling like a hundred dollars.  And so will you, and your other friends.  Booze has a tendency to have that effect on people.  When you’ve settled up the tab, and your buddy is ready to head home (possibly with a new woman on his arm) call a cab, and pay the driver in advance for your friend.  Even though you’ve paid for half of his drinks already, this last act is crucial.  That extra 25 dollars that you spend on him will increase is feeling of worth, from a hundred dollars to a hundred and twenty-five.  Plus, if you ever get dumped (if you’re ever in a long-term relationship, but who wants to do that?), you’ll really appreciate it when he reciprocates the act.

In summary, break-up, booze, friends, booze, other better women, booze, booze.  And don’t forget to call in sick to work the next day, as it’s hard enough working with a 6-pack of beers in you (as per a usual work day), but working after drinking 16 beers, 7 Jager shots, 2 Caesars, and a Fuzzy-Navel (don’t blame me, the waitress bought a round of them for our table when she learned my buddy’s predicament) the night before is near impossible.

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6 Responses to Consoling a Friend After a Break-Up, As A Man

  1. Tracey Neil says:

    lol…break ups as a woman are not quite as fun as this one, usually involving sobbing hysterically, the what did I do wrong question asked over and over again and weeks or months of trying to get them back into the world and out of the sweat pants and cheezie bowl.

    Men may have a point here! I’ll have to try this break up soother the next time!

    • dongtacular says:

      I expect this technique could work for women as well, although I have my doubts, as alcohol does not have the same effect on women (in my experiences).

      The main goal is to convince your friend to stop crying (and stop eating cheez-doodles, they can’t be all that healthy) and get on with her life!

  2. cayman thorn says:

    Men really have to remember one simple fact. Baseball players who hit .300 get paid an average of 5 million large a year. Nice change.

    So, putting the math together in more female oriented terms. If you hit on 3 out of every ten women you say ‘what’s up’ to, that’s pretty sweet cream going on. And it salves the wounds to a very agreeable healing.

    Remember guys . . . for every altar you lose out on, there’s a stripper pole ready to pick up the slack.

    Just saying.

  3. devianteyes says:

    LOL I thoroughly enjoyed this entry, I think there should be an equivalent for women as well though I’m horrible at cheering up people throughout breakups.

    • dongtacular says:

      The most common way women choose to coach their friends involves large amounts of sweet and fatty foods, which are very unhealthy. Alcohol is not particularly healthy either, but it definitely helps you forget!

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