Your college sweetheart left you for a predentistry major, but that doesn’t mean we all have to suffer. Everyone goes through bad break-ups, and everyone recovers. The trick to a speedy turn around is having friends who will support you, or at least degrade you to the point that you become mad instead of being sad.
Generally, the first step you should take when a friend informs you that they got dumped is alcohol. Does that make sense? I’m not sure, because I’m half drunk right now. It may be hard for him to accept it, as there is a social stigma against alcoholics, as well as against drowning your sorrows. But it will definitely help. Intoxication lowers inhibition, so it will make it easier for your friend to truly open up.
It’s important for him to get everything out, so it’s best if you choose a drinking establishment that he is comfortable with. A place where everybody knows his name, or at least he is familiar with the staff, and there is a chance that some other bar patrons will talk to him. This gives him a sense of community, and hopefully gets him a few free drinks. That’s another important note; don’t let your friend spend too much on drinks. If he is a heavy drinker, he may be compelled to run up a huge credit card bill buying drinks for everyone that will talk to him. You (or your other friends, I’ll get to that) need to buy at least half of his drinks, so that he doesn’t end up putting himself in a pickle when he needs to pay off his credit card (not to mention all the cash he’ll have to spend getting his life back in order after that woman destroyed it).
As soon as you have your buddy comfortable enough (for me it’s usually 7 beers), call up some of your other friends. Explain that this guy got dumped, and he’s getting loaded so they should come out to support him. If they are truly good friends, they will be there in a snap, because they know that this friend would do the same for them, and probably have in the past. If your recently dumped friend tries to protest, saying that he’s gonna be fine, and they don’t need to come, explain to him that he is drunk, and he is also extremely emotional (you can add that he’s acting like a woman, if you really need to drive the point home) so his judgment is impaired, and he should just drink some more while you make his decisions for him.
In theory, at around the 10 beer mark, your friend should be feeling OK. If he is a crier, there may still be a little sniffling, but once his other friends show up, he will want to be manly, so he’ll try to stop it. If he doesn’t (and he’s kind of being a pussy), you will need to use reassuring statements. Try:
- It’s OK, you didn’t need her anyway.
- She was taking up too much of your time. I miss getting absolutely sloshed with you!
- It’s better to just have flings with women.
- There are so many nice, smoking hot chicks in this town just waiting to get banged.
- Now you can jerk off to all the internet porn you want, without feeling guilty!
- Predentristry major? What the fuck is that?
These suggestions should give him a sense of self-confidence, and the other friends around him encouraging him to feel better will only help his emotional state. If he’s still being mopey, he must have an extremely high liquor tolerance, so it’s time to bust out the hard liquor. A couple of Jagermeister shots will do it.
Soon enough, he’ll be feeling like a hundred dollars. And so will you, and your other friends. Booze has a tendency to have that effect on people. When you’ve settled up the tab, and your buddy is ready to head home (possibly with a new woman on his arm) call a cab, and pay the driver in advance for your friend. Even though you’ve paid for half of his drinks already, this last act is crucial. That extra 25 dollars that you spend on him will increase is feeling of worth, from a hundred dollars to a hundred and twenty-five. Plus, if you ever get dumped (if you’re ever in a long-term relationship, but who wants to do that?), you’ll really appreciate it when he reciprocates the act.
In summary, break-up, booze, friends, booze, other better women, booze, booze. And don’t forget to call in sick to work the next day, as it’s hard enough working with a 6-pack of beers in you (as per a usual work day), but working after drinking 16 beers, 7 Jager shots, 2 Caesars, and a Fuzzy-Navel (don’t blame me, the waitress bought a round of them for our table when she learned my buddy’s predicament) the night before is near impossible.