You’re having a baby?

Heather, I know you’re married.  I don’t really like it, but I’ve come to accept it.

I also understand that we weren’t the best of friends at university, but I still felt like there was some sort of spark between us.

Remember the time I wrote “Save a Tree, Eat a Beaver”  on my door, and you thought it was funny, even though you didn’t get the sexual connotations?  That was a great time!  We really bonded that day.  I’ll never laugh as hard as I did when you replied, “I’ve never ate beaver before, I wonder what it tastes like?”  Pure comedy gold, Heather.

And now you feel like it’s a good time to have another man’s demon seed developing inside of you?  I have to disagree.  He seems like a pretty good guy, but come on, didn’t you want to give me another chance to turn my life around?  I’ve really changed!  I don’t live with my Mom anymore, I quit smoking (mainly because I couldn’t afford it), and I’ve been working at the dog food factory for 7 months now!  That’s the longest I’ve ever held a job!

Please reconsider your choice.  I saw the picture of your belly, and it looks like you’re just starting to show.  This is the perfect time to abort that awful behemoth growing in your vagina.  Like I said, your husband Dean is handsome and intelligent, but he’s much too tall, so that massive child is destroying your insides as we speak.  You should really go to the doctor today and get rid of it.  I know a guy who can do it on the cheap, I met him at the dog food factory.  He said he does it on dogs all the time.  He described it as simple, but messy.  You can’t be afraid to get your hands dirty!

Maybe you’re against abortions, considering your religion.  I don’t see what religion has to do with abortions anyway!  I’m not religious at all, but I’m pretty sure if god didn’t want you to get an abortion, he would find a miraculous way of stopping you on your way to the vets clinic.

Heather, I want you to sit down and seriously consider what you are doing.  You are destroying your body, your life, and the future life of your child by forcing it to be partially raised by Dean.  Please consider getting rid of that child, divorcing your husband, and coming to live with me.  With our combined incomes and no children, we could kick out my roommate and save up to buy a new TV, one that has colour.

But I’m not interested in marriage.  It’s too big of a commitment.

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4 Responses to You’re having a baby?

  1. pickiepixie says:

    You seriously crack me up! Loved this post too! 🙂

  2. Pingback: I miss you, Mildred! | dongtacular: adj; sexually inappropriate language

  3. Pingback: The Man Who Did Not Eat Sandwiches | dongtacular: adj; sexually inappropriate language

  4. Pingback: Incredible Celebrity Encounter – Part 1 | dongtacular: adj; sexually inappropriate language

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